When you think of marrying the love of your life, there are so many magical things that come to mind. You think about the life that you’ll build together, the children you may have, the endless romance you’ll cultivate, the places you’ll go, and the challenges you’ll overcome. Disney Films and romantic comedies glamorize marriage in ways that make us so eager to tie the knot that we often regret it. We’re given dreams and illusions of grandeur and love. We’re promised that marriage is about finding your other half. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll gain 20 pounds. And really, to some extent that’s true. Marriage is great. I’m happy with my choices.
But marriage, in so many ways, is boring AF.
So it wasn’t a gluten intolerance after all, you tell me. And now you have filled our kitchen with real bread, with pita chips, with French’s crispy onions. You say, Let’s get pizza, and you get the real kind, with the real crust, the kind that holds together when you pick it up. I am jealous of you and your newfound freedom, your ability to “go big” at bakeries. I am jealous of your cake. I am jealous of your biscuits. I am jealous of the crumbs delicately clinging to the surface of your chicken.
We used to be in this together.
Whaddup 3M Fam,
Jack here and today I’m gonna brag about how many wedding blogs/articles I’ve read in the past year. Not because I’m proud of it or because I’m somehow a marriage expert at this point (I’m not, somehow I feel like I know less now…). There are just a lot of things we need to talk about when it comes to the stuff we’re reading online.
First, I acknowledge that producing a marriage blog isn’t easy. So I’m not here to just take a huge dump on the rest of the marriage blogs out there because I think we’re better than them. We’re not. We’re the new kids in town and the size of our following is humble, but mighty. I’m just a little bit concerned about what I’m reading. Because I care.
I care about my marriage, which is why I read a handful of marriage-related articles every day. I care about your marriage, which is why I carefully select helpful, innovative, and progressive articles to share on our social media pages. But most importantly, I care about doing right by all married and future-married people out there. Which is why it’s time for me to say some unpopular things.
I married a nice medium guy. But when I stand next to him, I tend to slouch my hips, one up and one down, as to not appear freakish, like a giantess, like a side-show, like a man.
Once, in college, I got into an argument with a man at a swing dancing class. He told me there was no way I was only 5’10”. I said, “Yes, I am.” He said, “No, you’re not.” I pulled out my driver’s license and said, “Look!” He said, “You can still lie on your driver’s license. It’s not like they check.”
Another time in college, I danced with a man who was 6’7”. I felt what I imagine smaller women feel like every day. Normal? Comely? Petite? (Would Gloria Steinem think it’s a sin to want to feel petite? Would Judith Butler?) I did not love this man, though.
As a woman, it is better not to take up space. As a woman, it is good to be small. When I am with little men, this is my problem. When my husband says, “I wish I were taller,” I think, No. You are fine. I am the one out of the range that is considered normal.
Annie and Jack here with an exciting mini-blog about this week’s blog! #ablogaboutablog #SoMeta
JACK: This week, we want to talk about an exciting pivot we’re taking. As you already know, Annie and I have been publishing an original piece every week on Thursday 3pm EST. We’ve been focusing mostly on articles that highlight our life experience and examine marriage in a way that isn’t depicted in your standard marriage blog. As we always say, we’re trying to usher you into a new era of marriage conversations where we get really honest about the state of things and provide a space for the less traditional practices.
As we’ve been producing new content, we’ve discovered some things about ourselves and decided to make an exciting change. I’ll let Annie take it from here to explain more.
The minute after Jack and I got married, we left our town, our family, and our support system behind. Starting new jobs in new places, we felt uprooted in so many ways. But really, this was what I had always dreamed about doing.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted the adventure of moving somewhere far away. When I was in college, I spent a summer interning in the Bay Area. I traipsed around San Francisco and marveled at all things happening around me. I remember watching a one-man band performing in the street. I remember eating the best Pad Thai of my life. It was so different from home. I loved it.
I fantasized about moving there for real. There was part of me that wanted to leave my whole life in North Carolina behind and start over. It would be so exciting. I imagined myself in the future, worldly and grey, reflecting on how I started with nothing--and now look.
Last year, I got my wish. I started grad school at Arizona State--2,000 miles from home. I knew it was going to be great. Finally...the adventure I had been craving for so long. And it has been great, but it has also been really painful.
Members and Allies of The Millennial Marriage Movement,
Jack here. This week, I’m being honest as hell. You’ll learn some things about me today that I’ve never been public about, so buckle up. Make sure you don’t have any small children with you and prepare yourself for the darker side of #ANNIEGOESJACK.
I’ll start off by saying that I find it really ironic that as the co-founder of a millennial marriage blog, I haven’t always truly believed in marriage. I always knew that marriage was something that I’d inevitably do, but mostly because it was a status symbol that I needed for my own personal security. If I’m really being honest with you, I didn’t (and to some extent, still don’t) quite understand how lifelong partnership works. How can two people stay together forever? When I think about my favorite foods, movies, music, [insert anything I really love], it’s tough to picture myself doing those things forever without getting bored.
“Jack, you’re right. You’re absolutely right. If this were a court of law, I would side with you every time. But life isn’t a court of law. And from what I see, your need to be right is killing your partner’s spirit. So it really doesn’t matter how right you are because it’s not serving the best interest of your relationship.”
I remember hearing those words during a therapy session some time ago. When I first heard this, I was ambivalent. Half of me thought: “But I’m entitled to justice! People have to follow me if I’m on the right side of things!” Though the other (more convincing) half thought: "What good is being right when you're alone?"
Hey Friends, Annie here.
Jack and I watch a lot of television. Name a TV show, and it’s more than likely that we’ve seen at least a few episodes. Probably more. Jokes from How I Met Your Mother were one of the first things that brought us together. Even on our honeymoon, we spent a few nights bingeing The OA on Netflix.
As they say on Master of None, we really are living in the golden age of television. But, balancing our Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, and HBO subscriptions can be a dangerous game. There are times when we’ll spend an entire night watching episode after episode, eyes glazed, barely grunting to acknowledge each other. As my mom used to say, too much time in front of the tube will melt your brain (and maybe your relationship, I might add).
I, Annie Vitalsey, don’t want to talk about money. I want to watch The Great British Baking Show. I want to read a book about robots. I want to go for a walk. I want to have a cocktail. I don’t want to talk about money.
But I do talk about money. A lot. In this first year of being married to Jack, I have thought, talked, and worried about money, probably more times than all the other years of my life combined. Why is that?
Annie & Jack
Love. Marriage. Teamwork. Art. Offsetting the patriarchal footprint. These are some of the things we're thinking about.